"Home is not where you live but where they understand you." ~Christian Morgenstern
The title of this blog is a lot more than just a 10 word 2 sentence rhyme to catch your attention. These words are the unfortunate truths that lie behind my feeling about my last two weeks here. With that said I highly doubt that the words my finger types will paint vivid and colorful descriptions of the world that currently surrounds me. This is more like a venting journal entry. Bear with me.
As you know from my last post I've caught a bad case of homesickness. The symptoms have gotten worse over the past week and some of my coping mechanisms, I now feel, are feeding the disease instead of acting as the antidote or perfectly prescribed prescription I need in order to heal. As the days go by so do the hours I spend in my room or isolated from those I am supposed be learning from. There is a feeling of not being accepted, but instead tolerated by those who have opened their doors only because of a connection to a place where $$ flows to aid a comfortable style of living (I know what you're thinking, but it really feels like that sometimes.)
O how I long for something as simple as a conversation, a sincere smile, a warm embrace, or just to hear the words "I love you." I am a creature who loves to love, and to be loved. To be physically disconnected from that for so long is stretching me more than I want to be stretched.
In my prayer time I often ask Abba, "Why me? Why this place? Why now? Did I get the location wrong and this feeling is your way of telling me?!" And every time in the most loving way he answers, "I have chosen you for such a time as this daughter. There is a great work that needs to be done and you are the vessel I have chosen to use. I have molded you and shaped you from the beginning for this moment. You got it right and I am proud of you for following my lead. Now wait on me and know that your purpose will be revealed in due time. And always remember I love you and am with you always."
With an answer like this you would think it would be easy to just snap out of it and go about doing what I need to do, but it's not that simple, family, and I don't know what to do. I'm constantly in my word, my knees have gotten a shade darker from being on my knees, my eyes are soggy from weeping, and my mouth is dry from crying out. It's feeling is foreign to me and I don't know how to handle it. I know i am supposed to praise God in the storm but i have found rejoicing alone is hard, and crying alone only makes the tears fall harder.
So with all that's said PLEASE KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS!!! Literally I cannot do this without the support of you, my family. I love you all so much and miss you more than words could ever express!!
Week 10: Maybe it'll be better than.
astrickling09@apu.edu
