Week 8: Not so Great. Week 9: Not so Fine.

"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule." ~Frederick W. Robertson

"Home is not where you live but where they understand you." ~Christian Morgenstern

The title of this blog is a lot more than just a 10 word 2 sentence rhyme to catch your attention. These words are the unfortunate truths that lie behind my feeling about my last two weeks here. With that said I highly doubt that the words my finger types will paint vivid and colorful descriptions of the world that currently surrounds me. This is more like a venting journal entry. Bear with me.

As you know from my last post I've caught a bad case of homesickness. The symptoms have gotten worse over the past week and some of my coping mechanisms, I now feel, are feeding the disease instead of acting as the antidote or perfectly prescribed prescription I need in order to heal. As the days go by so do the hours I spend in my room or isolated from those I am supposed be learning from. There is a feeling of not being accepted, but instead tolerated by those who have opened their doors only because of a connection to a place where $$ flows to aid a comfortable style of living (I know what you're thinking, but it really feels like that sometimes.)

O how I long for something as simple as a conversation, a sincere smile, a warm embrace, or just to hear the words "I love you." I am a creature who loves to love, and to be loved. To be physically disconnected from that for so long is stretching me more than I want to be stretched.

In my prayer time I often ask Abba, "Why me? Why this place? Why now? Did I get the location wrong and this feeling is your way of telling me?!" And every time in the most loving way he answers, "I have chosen you for such a time as this daughter. There is a great work that needs to be done and you are the vessel I have chosen to use. I have molded you and shaped you from the beginning for this moment. You got it right and I am proud of you for following my lead. Now wait on me and know that your purpose will be revealed in due time. And always remember I love you and am with you always."

With an answer like this you would think it would be easy to just snap out of it and go about doing what I need to do, but it's not that simple, family, and I don't know what to do. I'm constantly in my word, my knees have gotten a shade darker from being on my knees, my eyes are soggy from weeping, and my mouth is dry from crying out. It's feeling is foreign to me and I don't know how to handle it. I know i am supposed to praise God in the storm but i have found rejoicing alone is hard, and crying alone only makes the tears fall harder.

So with all that's said PLEASE KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS!!! Literally I cannot do this without the support of you, my family. I love you all so much and miss you more than words could ever express!!

Week 10: Maybe it'll be better than.

astrickling09@apu.edu