The Journey's End is Only the Beginning

Hey all!!! I have been ridiculously MIA for almost what.....2 months now?! Sorry about that. Just so you all know, I AM ALIVE, but more importantly I AM HOME :) or at least I think I'm home. Culture shock doesn't stop once you've left the unfamiliarities and the frustrations that come from being on foreign ground. No, that sucker follows you like a shadow all the way back to the place you were once undoubtedly comfortable and so sure about. It feels like the aftershock of knowing someone has come into your house in the dead of night and robbed you of everything you have ever known and, as badly as you want them to, things will never be the same.  

To be honest with you all articulating my feelings has never been this difficult.......insert writers block here..........

A few minutes later............

Ok I got it, I started journey with a letter so why not end with one?

Dearest family and friends,

         Well this journey was long and hard. It was filled with many bumps, valleys, rushing rivers, and giants; but here we are at the end. I'm a little beat up and weary, but I'm still here. The enemy tried, but he couldn't take me out. I am still standing, and had it not been for you I probably wouldn't be. 

         From the bottom of my heart and with all my love and sincerity I must say thank you. To those of you who supported me through the planning process, thank you. Thank you for keeping me accountable to the work that needed to be done before my foot left the ground. Nothing would have happened had you not done your part. 

         To those of you who helped me financially, a big thanks to you for your sacrifice and generosity.  A huge burden was lifted off of myself and my family. Because of you my understanding of God as a provider has grown. I will forever be grateful to you. 

         To those who took the time out to Skype, email, text, FaceTime, tweet, and/or send me Facebook messages, thank you!!! I cannot even begin to tell you how much seeing your face or reading your words meant to me. Seriously I could not have done it without you. You all kept me going and going. Because of the time you spared some of my seemingly unbearable situations didn't seem so bad. On many occasions you were my reminder of God's love and hand on my life. You were my light in dark places and my harness when I thought I was falling to my end. With everything in me thank you.

        To those who supported me through prayer and intercession, thank you. Thank you for uplifting me when I couldn't lift myself. Thank you for the prayers that kept my spirit strong in places I would have allowed it to go weak.  There's a song I grew up singing that goes, "I pray for you, you pray for me. I love you. I need you to survive." These words have never had as much meaning as they do now. If I could I would like to as you to continue to keep me in your prayers. In the two weeks I've been home I've had a lot of time to think about what this experience has done to me. I know it's going to take some time to fully understand, but so far I don't like who I have become. I don't like the way I have been thinking. And I do not like feeling as if I have failed the person God has called me to be. 

          So now that I have returned if I could ask you all a favor; please be patient with me. If you happen to see me and ask how I'm doing be forewarned my answer might not be the traditional, comfortable, yet in unsatisfying "I'm fine." Please don't be upset if I don't want to talk about my experience or if what I do tell you doesn't match what you thought my experience was like. If I trust you enough to vent, don't freak out!! Just listen. Lastly, this may seem to counteract some of the things I've said, please force me to talk about my feelings. I need to process what just happened to me. I may not want to, but I need to go through the pains and satisfactions of voicing how I feel. I don't want to lock this experience in a box and throw away the key. I want to work through it so I can grow and in that growth give God the glory. 

            I love you all so much and I could not have asked for a better support system. Thank you for taking the time out to read the words from my heart. To those who have been following me through this while experience, it truly means the world to me. 

Much love and man blessings,

~Alyssa 

 

The Inside Scoop

I don't really know what to say in this blog, but regardless of my writers block and lack of new experiences to share I shall write. 

Wait did she just say "lack of new experiences." Why yes, yes she did. I have been living a life similar to house arrest since the middle of April. It is now the middle or May. For an extroverted, free spirited, roll with the punches, go where the wind takes you kind of girl being confined to the four walls of a single place for more than a day is torture! The place that I once called my Indian home has turned into a prison and my room is my cell. I don't know how much longer I can take it. "Well why don't you just leave?" I'm glad you asked. I don't feel comfortable leaving the house by myself. I haven't learned any of the language and they took the phone I was using away from me (they did buy it, and I wasn't using it that much so I can understand why they took it, but I'm American!! You take our phone you take away a safety blanket that allows us to function properly.) "Ok. Then why don't you ask them to take you out?" Great question. They never have time to just go out and sit a park or go exploring the city. Everyone is always working at the school or home, and when they aren't working they're sleeping. So where does that leave me? STUCK. 

On the plus side I have had the chance to get to know the more introverted side of myself. She spends a lot of time reading the Bible and reflecting/analyzing what the scripture says. She has experienced The Lord in completely new ways through his word and during her time of meditation and prayer. She likes to just sit and let unanswered questions take her mind to places that's never gone to before. She is constantly observing her surroundings, and much like my extroverted self she wants to explore them. I'm praying my introverted and extroverted self get to meet one day thus allowing my whole being to enjoy life again. 

This past month has severely altered my experience, and unfortunately not in ways that motivate me to do my work or make me want to stay here for another 9 weeks (yea I only have 9 weeks left!!! CRAZY!!) Next week I'm supposed to go back to the hostel at the school to spend time with the kids there, seeing those beautiful kids again should do some good things for my heart. Kids have a way of bringing joy to the world that nothing else can compare to. In times like this when I am feeling deprived of human contact, conversation, and affection, being around kids will fill those voids. 

In other news, it is high in the realm of possibility that I will be moving to Bangalore in June. Bangalore is a 16 hour train ride from Kerala and is one of the sister cities to San Francisco!! How cool is that?? A friend of a friend who used to live in the states moved to Bangalore some years ago to live with her mom. I've talked to her briefly, but I'm hoping to Skype with her soon. Over emails it seems she does not want me to leave India in a negative state of mind. 

So that's how I'm doing in a nutshell. It really pains me that I can't share a story about finding some awesome coffee shop where I met some other foreigners to talk to, or that I hopped on a random bus and managed to make it back home with the little Malayalam I learned, or that I love it here so much I'm considering extending my trip by a few weeks. Honestly, when I was planning this trip thats what I wanted to be saying at this point, but it is the complete polar opposite. I still don't know why God wanted me to come here for my GLT. I keep having this reoccurring thought that I missed the opportunity that was going to give me the "experience of a lifetime!" Because that's what's supposed to happen when you spend 5.5 months out of the country right?! I'm supposed to come back home feeling fulfilled, like I've found my calling. I'm supposed to wish life in America was as good as it it here. I'm supposed to have all these crazy stories about strange encounters with natives. Instead all I can say is,"I know why the caged bird sings."

The Enemy is Trippin!!!

Let me start by saying thank you to all those who have #1 been reading this blog and/or #2 have sent me emails, texts, Facebook messages, and took the time out for Skype dates. You have no idea what those kinds of things do for my heart and spirit. So from the bottom of my heart and with all my love THANK YOU!!

Ok now for the update. It's been a while because for the past 2 weeks I felt The Lord telling me to stat away from social media. It was doing me no good to look at pictures and read statuses of the life I would've been living if I was not on the other side of the world. Let me tell you, in these past two weeks I have been dealing with some crazy spiritual warfare!!!! THE ENEMY IS TRIPPIN Y'ALL!!!! He was attacking my heart and my mind. He was trying to make me doubt my purpose, kill my joy, and steal my sanity. He was using misunderstood and miscommunicated feelings to make me truly believe the lie "I can't do this." I won't lie for a moment I really felt defeated. I was ready to quit. I was ready to change my flight and never look back.

Just as I was ready to give in I heard a voice say, "So that's it?" And I stopped. I looked at myself and saw how far I had fallen. How did this happen? When did this happen? I traded my joy for depression and my peace of mind for chaos, and why, because a lie had been planted and like a fool I believed it! So like a child who knows she's done wrong, I cried out to Abba asking him for forgiveness and direction on what to do next. Like the faithful Father he is, he answered me; "take my hand and don't you dare let go!" I grabbed his hand and he led me through the valley and now I am walking along the still waters. As I look back into that "valley" I can see it wasn't really a valley at all, but I had let myself believe the problem was much bigger than it was. Family, I'm so glad I serve a God who is faithful and loving even when I not.

Now that I'm back on track it's time to work!!! It's May!!!! Wow!!! I only have two months left in this beautiful place and at least 2 years worth of work I have to complete, preferably before I get back. When I get back home I'll only have 3 weeks to see people, catch up, unpack, and repack before I have to be back on campus for RA training.

3 months down 2.5 to go!!! Let's do this!!!

Here's some info in the pictures.

First 3: rooftop fun with Austin
Next 4: spent a day at a wildlife reserve. Yea I rode an elephant!!! No big deal.
Next 2: cousins wedding
Last 1: Hindu parade celebration in front of the house. Don't think I've mentioned this, but Hindus have some kind of holiday/celebration every week. Lots of gods = party year round

Week 8: Not so Great. Week 9: Not so Fine.

"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule." ~Frederick W. Robertson

"Home is not where you live but where they understand you." ~Christian Morgenstern

The title of this blog is a lot more than just a 10 word 2 sentence rhyme to catch your attention. These words are the unfortunate truths that lie behind my feeling about my last two weeks here. With that said I highly doubt that the words my finger types will paint vivid and colorful descriptions of the world that currently surrounds me. This is more like a venting journal entry. Bear with me.

As you know from my last post I've caught a bad case of homesickness. The symptoms have gotten worse over the past week and some of my coping mechanisms, I now feel, are feeding the disease instead of acting as the antidote or perfectly prescribed prescription I need in order to heal. As the days go by so do the hours I spend in my room or isolated from those I am supposed be learning from. There is a feeling of not being accepted, but instead tolerated by those who have opened their doors only because of a connection to a place where $$ flows to aid a comfortable style of living (I know what you're thinking, but it really feels like that sometimes.)

O how I long for something as simple as a conversation, a sincere smile, a warm embrace, or just to hear the words "I love you." I am a creature who loves to love, and to be loved. To be physically disconnected from that for so long is stretching me more than I want to be stretched.

In my prayer time I often ask Abba, "Why me? Why this place? Why now? Did I get the location wrong and this feeling is your way of telling me?!" And every time in the most loving way he answers, "I have chosen you for such a time as this daughter. There is a great work that needs to be done and you are the vessel I have chosen to use. I have molded you and shaped you from the beginning for this moment. You got it right and I am proud of you for following my lead. Now wait on me and know that your purpose will be revealed in due time. And always remember I love you and am with you always."

With an answer like this you would think it would be easy to just snap out of it and go about doing what I need to do, but it's not that simple, family, and I don't know what to do. I'm constantly in my word, my knees have gotten a shade darker from being on my knees, my eyes are soggy from weeping, and my mouth is dry from crying out. It's feeling is foreign to me and I don't know how to handle it. I know i am supposed to praise God in the storm but i have found rejoicing alone is hard, and crying alone only makes the tears fall harder.

So with all that's said PLEASE KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS!!! Literally I cannot do this without the support of you, my family. I love you all so much and miss you more than words could ever express!!

Week 10: Maybe it'll be better than.

astrickling09@apu.edu

Hope, Joy, Love

I have been here for 2 months! Wow time is seriously flying a little too fast for my liking:( there is still so much I have to do and all I can say is good thing God's timing is on my side. My only hope is that by the time I leave here the work The Lord wanted me to complete is done. I've had two dreams that I came back with no report other than, "It was a good trip." As of right now what that means is I am not present enough here. Physically, I am completely here, but the rest of me is invested back home. This is one of the dangers my professor warned me about and now I know what she meant. So my hope and prayer is that I would be fully invested in my time here. After all this is a once in a lifetime experience and it won't last forever!!

Last Tuesday was the last day of school and I was actually a little sad. I loved working with those kids and the teachers. It's always a good feeling to feel needed, accepted and liked. The teachers I was working with definitely displayed all three in their own special ways over the past month. Through feeding me mountains if rice everyday, teasing me when I tried to use malayalam, or the small conversations we had those four women have become friends I will miss when I have to go back home. Of course I'm going to miss those smiling faces greeting me every morning with hands folded saying, "Good morning Teacher!" In the last few weeks I was able to learn many of their names (trust me when you learn what face belongs to names like Amjith, Anushka, and Mizhi you get pretty excited!) and form some interesting relationships with the different classes. One moment I will never forget is meeting Mizhi's mom. She was so excited to introduce me to her mother. As we waited for her mom to finish talking with the teacher introduced myself "Hi I'm Alyssa..." "Yes! From California," she said interrupting my introduction, " Mizhi has told us so many good things about you!" Wow!!! Hearing those words brought joy my heart and made me understand even more why I'm here.

In other news I am finally starting to experience love in new ways. On more than one occasion in the past week I have felt big loved and accepted by my host family. My host mother, who has given me the name Elza (it's how my name sounds in her accent. I kind of like it) now introduces me to people as her youngest daughter!! Yeah I've been adopted!!! The feeling if being adopted into a family that barely understands me when I speak is a wonderful feeling. There is a new sense of comfort and peace now. Not only have I been adopted, I've also been asked by my host father if I wanted to live in India permanently. "Do you want to live in India permanently? You can find a husband, get married, and move in." Of course I gave him the good Christian response, "I don't know where them lord wants me. I'll have to pray about it." That answer is always safe. It's not a yes, no, or maybe. When said with the right intentions its simply saying "I will do whatever the Lord wants me to do and where he says go I'll go. Not my will but his be done!" Anyway him asking me that question assured me I'm not just some girl from the states doing conducting a project that's intruding on their everyday loves. No at all. Instead, I'm accepted, welcomed and loved.

I cannot thank you enoughnfor taking the time to read my blog. It truly means a lot to know I am supported and loved by so many people. I am truly humbled. As always please continue to keep me in your prayers!! I love you all!! Blessings.

Ps. Big thanks to this who have been supporting me financially!! We have passed the half way point to my $10,000 goal. Only $4000 to go!! If you want to partner with my in moving forward with my kingdom assignment email me at astrickling09@apu.edu or my mom at tonyabegonia@pacbell.net Thanks again!!!

A New Kind of Sabbath

I'm finally here and feeling settled!!! Yeah!!! Only thing left to do now is all my school work and learn the language!! Those things will come with time so I'm trying my best not to stress about it. In my prayer time Abba told me to "trust my timing. Things are going exactly according to plan. Not too fast and not too slow. Just right." So this is me trusting those words.

In other news I have come to love Sundays in a new way. I have always loved Sundays because I get to see my beloved church fam, worship on one accord with other believers, eat good food, and have fellowship time that's always does wonders for my heart and spirit. Here my Sundays are a bit different. Every Sunday I wake up to the sound of the house church down the street singing and praying their hearts out to Abba. I lay in my bed and let their praise fill my spirit. I'll return in we soaking music pull out my bible and read whatever passage The Lord puts on my heart, journal about it, pray in the spirit, and start my day. Usually we eat and relax at the house. Sometimes Austin and his parents will come over which is ALWAYS entertaining. Experiencing Sundays in is way is teaching me to be quiet before God and to seek him for myself. My new Sunday routine is just another way God has been drawing me nearer to himself.

This past Sunday was very similar to the rest. Praise down the street, Holy Spirit time in my room, eat, play with Austin, relax. However around 5 o'clock PC looks at me and says "They're getting ready for an outing go get ready." I wait for Maria to move then I follow. She looks at me and says, "don't wear jeans. We're going to the beach!" YEEEEA!!! I have been dying to get to the beach here. I have seen many pictures and they are absolutely beautiful. The drive getting there (like all the drives) was beautiful. We drove through the country side which was much more rural than where I am now. Cows, trees, and rivers for days!! When we got to the beach, well, Let me tell you it was more beautiful in person!

We got there right around the time the sun was starting to set, my favorite time of day. After crossing the street, which was almost like playing a game of frogger, I whipped out my camera and started taking pictures. As I snapped away I couldn't help but think about how photography is truly a gift from The Lord. You have an amazing device to capture an amazing moment that will immediately become a memory you can now look back on for years to come. You can share it with many or only with those who made the moment possible. Either way that picture holds more than just a pretty image. That was a long side note sorry. Anyway.....we played keep away with the water and laughed hysterically at Austin who hated every times the waves touched him. As I took a moment to put down camera and look around at all the people with their rolled up pants, skirts, and saris I couldn't help but smile. I'M IN INDIA!!! My feel are in the warm Indian Ocean, the sand is red, the sun is orange, there is not a skimpy bathing suit in sight! Someone pinch me because I must dreaming!! *ouch* Nope not dreaming! This is my life, and I love it!!

Another exciting event was purchasing my first two saris!!! Basically a sari (saree) is a 15ft long piece of beautiful fabric that is wrapped around a woman's body. It can be casual enough to wear to the grocery store or formal enough to be worn as a wedding gown. Either way they are beautiful! Maria tried to teach me how to drape it, I failed. She just smiled and said, "this is your homework!" #toughest:assignment:ever!!

As another week is coming to a close (it's already been 5 weeks) I continue to feel blessed even in the hard times when I miss home. Thank you to those who have contributed financially I think I'm about a fourth of the way to my $10,000 goal.Thank you you all of your prayers and continued support! I love you all dearly!! God bless :)

If you would like to support me financially email me at astrickling09@apu.edu or my mom at tonyabegonia@pacbell.net. Thank you in advance for partnering with me in moving forward with my kingdom assignment!!

Love Challenge...

I know I just posted a blog yesterday, but I wanted to share some more thoughts with you. It's pretty simple actually......I MISS YOU GUYS!!! There I said it. As much as I love being here I am really starting to miss my family in the US. Every time I look at Facebook or Instagram I cannot help but wish I was there experiencing life with all of you. It's hard being away. I the book, "¡Gracias!," I am reading, again, Henri Nouwen explains my feelings perfectly. In his chapter titled "An Inner and Outer Struggle," he writes:

"I find myself hardly interested in telling about the daily events of my outer life, but strongly compelled to share openly even nakedly, what is happening within me...writing letters (in my case skyping) is becoming a way of self-emptying, of being nothing more and nothing less than someone who wants to give and receive love...unexpectedly I am experiencing a deep depression. Perhaps the days of friendly greetings and introductions have kept me on an artificial level of contentment that prevented me from acknowledging my dee seated feeling of uselessness...the most pervasive feeling is that of being a outsider, someone who doesn't have a home, who is tolerated by [her] surroundings but not accepted, liked but not loved" (130).

After reading these words I couldn't help but say, "Wow, this is exactly how I am feeling!" I am the kind of person who has a constant need to feel loved. I love being around people who I love and who know how to reciprocate love back. For almost a month now my heart is thirsty for something as simple as "an embrace, a kiss, or a smile" (Nouwen 131). I know the Lord is seriously testing me in this area. In my prayer time he has told me "I want you to fully rely on me for all your needs." Until this feeling came over me I thought he was just talking physical things like money to pay tuition and resources to complete my studies. Now that I know he means in the area of feeling loved I am excited to learn a new meaning of Abba's love.

With that said since Facebook, Instagram, and Skype are the things attaching me to the life I miss and keeping me from being fully present here I am going to be limiting the amount of time I spend on them. Not the solution I thought I would come to at all. I feel in my heart this is what the Lord is calling me to do for at least a season of my time here. I know it is going to be challenging, but I want to experience all that Abba has for me to the fullest.

As always please continue to pray for me, especially now that the Lord wants to take me through a challenge like this one. I love you all!!! Thank you for your continued support and prayers!!